Falling in Love With My Boss and Going to Rehab

Since the first time I heard his voice on the phone inviting me to an interview a year earlier, I knew I was in love with my boss. I also knew that he was married with children, but before I’m deemed a homewrecker, I’ll convey the words he shared the day I confessed my feelings to him: You can’t help who you love.

Well in my thirties, I know that when you want to get over someone, you delete their number, unfollow them on social media, block them from your life, and in time, you can forget. But I worked with my boss. I had to see him everyday.

My feelings didn’t inflate out of the blue either—he paid me generous attention. Almost daily, he lingered around my office, and we would eat lunch together and stay late. He recommended bands I should listen to and texted me at night with a funny meme that “reminded him of me.” When I didn’t show up to work one morning because I was depressed, he took the day off work, picked me up at my apartment, and we spent the whole day strolling and eating ice cream together.

He was so nice to me that I thought it must mean something.

Unfortunately for me, all my fantasizing was a waste. When I finally confessed my feelings to him, he told me he was married, and all the extra attention stopped. But the torture of working so closely with him for so many years led me to a breakdown, and I committed myself to a mental health facility in Florida.

For three weeks, I was probed and prodded. The doctors told me I had a fear of loneliness, and that rejection — go figure — was a trigger. The center itself was also frightening. I was stuck in a center miles away from home, without my phone or a lock on my door, forced to take my meds in front of a nurse like a scene out of Girl, Interrupted.

Despite my initial protests about the facility, however, after rehab, I turned my life around. I adopted a puppy and moved into a new apartment. I spent time with friends and took ballet classes. I even got into community theater. People have asked me how I finally got over my boss, but the truth is, I didn’t realize it was happening. As I focused more on myself, it kind of just hit me that his face…wasn’t actually that attractive.

In hindsight, maybe I lost my head because my passion for my job was so inextricably linked to my boss. He was my mentor, after all. I fell for him because I admired him, but maybe I was also lonely — and willing to sacrifice my mental health for a man and a job that didn’t love me back.

I’m relieved that I outgrew them both. I wish I’d asked myself back then what exactly was missing in my life that I was trying so hard to substitute for something — someone — else. But I learned that life should have different streams of purpose. One thing shouldn’t be the absolute center of your world so that you neglect your own peace of mind.

After all that, I quit my job and quit my boss. It was time for me to exhale.